Links mentioned in Jon’s post (above):
“A Woman’s Response to ‘Men Can’t Talk about Abortion’” (Rebekah Dyer, Human Defense Initiative)
An Update from JFA's Executive Director
Dear Friend of JFA,
I was amazed. During a webinar that Paul Kulas, JFA’s Director of Operations, had planned for a family of supporters in mid-April, he led us through interactive teaching related to the topics of poverty and rape. To finish the webinar, JFA intern Mary St. Hilaire shared a story of a recent campus conversation with “Liz.” The two topics Liz had been most concerned about were also poverty and rape. The story fit perfectly with what Paul had selected even though we hadn’t planned it that way. Read Mary’s story, ”A New View of Abortion…and Pro-Life Advocates,” below.
During COVID-19, our team has been hard at work creating conversations using social media and other means. In just a few weeks, we’ve discovered and tested some methods we think anyone can use to create a conversation. We’ll report soon on our blog and in a future letter.
Our team has also conducted a three-hour online workshop, and we were excited to find a way to include interactive activities using Zoom breakout rooms. We have similar online events scheduled each week in the near future, including a series of shorter sessions for those who can’t attend longer sessions. To participate, keep an eye on the social media channels below.
Our team was encouraged this past week by Henri Nouwen’s essay, “From Solitude to Community to Ministry.” You can find it online at Christianity Today and in Nouwen’s short book, A Spirituality of Living. In the solitude you may be experiencing during COVID-19, we hope that you can pause and know more clearly how Christ has called you “Beloved.” We pray you might then find unique ways to share that same love with others in this challenging time. (See I John 4:7-14.) We continue to pray for you, beloved friends. Thank you for partnering with us in prayer and financial gifts, as God gives you ability.
Steve Wagner, Executive Director
Please Pray for these Advocates and the Conversations They Created and Will Create.
UT Dallas Outreach Team (March 9-11, 2020) Missing: Kaitlyn Donihue (on plane back to MI for speaking event) and Paul Kulas (taking picture)
A Gracious and Courageous Response
How to Help a Person Who Says, “You’re a Man, So Your Opinion Doesn’t Count.”
During our outreach events and around our society, a common phrase men hear is, “Abortion is a women’s issue, so be quiet!” Or, “You don’t have a uterus, so you shouldn’t weigh in.”
Many people say that men like Steve (grey) and Jeremy (blue), pictured here at UCLA, shouldn’t even weigh in on this discussion.
These assertions silence many men. Other men react to these assertions with anger. How should we respond?
This can be frustrating, especially if the person seems dismissive or arrogant. Over the years I’ve tried to carefully consider my response, rather than getting caught up in the emotions and being defensive. I could snap back with a quick answer or cower in silence, but I strive instead to be both sensitive and substantive in my response.
The challenge is the same as with other pro-choice statements: Faithfully explain the pro-life perspective while still reaching the person. That takes empathy and humility. What an opportunity to love another person!
While passionately defending the preborn we must show genuine love for the woman who may consider abortion, and also, especially with this objection, the person who believes men shouldn’t have a voice.
This can unfold in many ways because we are trying to reach each unique person, but I believe the following progression has the best chance for ultimate success—reaching the questioner and answering the objection. As with any assertion or argument, I would encourage you to employ JFA’s “Three Essential Skills” of asking questions, listening, and finding common ground. In this case, though, the order in which you use those skills is very important for showing that you genuinely care and aren’t just trying to return fire with fire:
Listen to understand (be attentive and show them you care):
Listen to reflect on their statements and not primarily to refute them. Show them you are listening by making good eye contact and clarifying their statements. Listen to their heart and their hurts.
Find common ground when possible:
“I can’t fully understand or experience what women are going through.”
“I admit up front that many women have been hurt by men and many men have been unhelpful in the way they discuss this topic.”
“Can we agree it’s important for men to speak out against rape, abuse, and mistreatment of others?”
Ask questions (information/clarification) with a calm and genuine attitude:
“What do you mean when you say I shouldn’t be involved?”
“Do you mean I can’t hold a substantive opinion, or do you mean that I shouldn’t make laws about this?”
Ask questions (ask for evidence) with a calm and genuine attitude:
“Granted, I can’t fully understand what a woman in an unplanned pregnancy is experiencing, but why does that mean I can’t hold a strong opinion or involve myself in the discussion?”
“Why do you believe I should not take a stand?”
“Why would you silence me if I am trying to care for someone I believe is in need?”
Ask questions (challenge gently; notice challenging comes late in the process):
“How are my ideas insufficient simply because of my gender if many women make the same arguments?”
“There are many situations about which I don’t fully understand the circumstances, but clearly I should still help. Should I as a white man have marched in the civil rights movement or risked ridicule on Freedom Rides for the sake of people who were different from me who were being treated very harshly?”
This progression may help this person to see that her dismissal of men is an unhelpful tangent (resembling sexism) rather than a substantive argument. If so, she may then be willing to move on to discuss arguments about human rights, just as if she had been talking to a woman who had made the exact same points as you.
If not, you need to remain gracious anyway. You must continue to be both calm and confident.
I suggest using a carefully-worded story to respond to the “You’re a man!” dismissal. Consider this story from my friend and colleague Tim Brahm:
“You’re absolutely right. I am a man, and I will never get pregnant. I can do my best to sympathize with women who experience unplanned pregnancies, but I will never really know what they’re going through. Let me ask you kind of a weird question, bear with me. Imagine I go fishing at the lake. I’m having a great time fishing, and then I see her [pointing to a female pro-life volunteer] about twenty yards away. I notice that she is pushing her car into the lake. Well that’s weird, why would she do that? Then I look in the back seat, and I notice there’s a two-year-old child in the car. Now, I’m a man. I’ve never been pregnant. I’ve never been a mother. I will never know what she is going through. We could even change the scenario by making her child a newborn and saying that she has postpartum depression, something I as a man could never experience. But even though I can’t understand what she’s going through, shouldn’t I try to do something to save that kid?” (Read the rest of Tim’s helpful discussion in his November 5, 2015 post at the Equal Rights Institute blog.)
This carefully crafted story can help those with whom you disagree to realize that not only can men be advocates—they should be advocates. Why? Because the preborn are human beings like toddlers.
Psalm 82:3-4 and Proverbs 24:10-12 urge us to care for the weak. And 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 says, “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.” (ESV)
It stands to reason that men can engage this discussion, but the point is much stronger than that — we must! Men need to abound with intentionality, empathy, support, and sound arguments clothed with grace. We have to be alert and ready to serve, a compassionate and compelling voice in all our spheres of influence.
I echo what abortion survivor, Gianna Jessen (left), said in her House Judiciary Committee hearing (9/9/15),
“Do not tell me this is only a women’s issue. It takes both a man and a woman to create a child. And to that point I wish to speak to the men listening to me. You are made for greatness. You were born to defend women and children, not to use and abandon us, nor sit idly by while you know we are being harmed, and I am asking you to be brave.”
Further Resources:
What Does a Virtuous Mother Do?
When I read my friend Stephanie Gray’s blog post, “The Greatest Love” (Nov. 18, 2019), I was struck by her behind-the-scenes look at preparing to participate in the La Ciudad de las Ideas debate which took place in Mexico in early November, reaching tens of thousands. I wanted to share the story with you.
First, I suggest watching the final few minutes of the debate (inset below). Then, read Stephanie’s post which begins below.
As you watch the debate segment and read Stephanie’s post, I encourage you to set aside for a moment the question, “How should we argue against legal abortion?” Although Stephanie is talking about a woman’s body and speaking in the context of a debate about legality, she’s not directly addressing the topic of bodily rights, per se, and her comments go deeper than legality. (For help with arguments about bodily rights and legality, see our “It’s Her Body” Series.)
Note how Stephanie’s comment in the debate appears when juxtaposed against the comments of the pro-choice panelist who speaks just prior. Stephanie cuts through the rhetoric of choice to focus the audience on the question, “What does a virtuous mother do when confronting an unintended pregnancy?” Sadly, that question is often lost or ignored. Stephanie helps recalibrate us, and her perspective might even transform the conversation. It’s worth sharing.
Without further comment from me, then, please click the video below to watch the final few minutes of the debate. (The video should begin playing at 1:55:00. If it doesn’t, move the slider to find that spot in the video or click here.)
Now that you’ve watched the video segment, read Stephanie’s post:
What would you do if, while waiting for a subway train to arrive, you noticed a seizuring man fall onto the tracks? To Wesley Autrey the answer was clear: Jump onto the tracks and help him.
And on January 2, 2007, that’s what he did. Except Autrey wasn’t just helping a man in need. He was putting himself in danger. Because as the fallen man convulsed on the tracks, the lights of an oncoming train flashed before them.
Autrey couldn’t get the man off the tracks in time. But rather than abandon him, Autrey laid on top of him, protecting the young man’s flailing body with his lanky frame. And then train cars came.…
(Keep reading the remainder of Stephanie’s blog post at the Love Unleashes Life Blog.)
More from Stephanie Gray at Love Unleashes Life
For more from Stephanie about the debate, we suggest seeing her six-minute debate highlights video and an 11-minute interview she did after the debate which gave her a chance to reflect on the debate and clarify some ideas she wasn’t able to clarify in the debate due to the format.
Featured Resource to Equip Yourself - May
“Sam” was so rude at the start of his conversation with JFA trainer Rebecca Haschke that she nearly gave up talking to him altogether. Despite her inner frustration, she repeatedly made a choice to love him and was surprised by the conversation that followed. Rebecca shared the story in her letter, “A Lesson in Love — Part 1.” As you read, notice how Rebecca sought to understand Sam, find common ground with him, and humbly share aspects of her own experience. As pro-life advocates seeking to create good conversations, we should work to master these skills. (Want to read the rest of the story? We’ll feature Part 2 of the letter as next month’s free resource.)
Featured Resource to Equip Yourself - April
“What Are the Facts?” is JFA’s easy-to-use resource for answering common questions about how many abortions happen at which stages of pregnancy for which reasons, as well as questions about abortion procedures and the legality of abortion. This handy summary will both increase your knowledge of the facts and help you find common ground early in your conversations with pro-choice advocates. JFA intentionally cites neutral or pro-choice sources for the claims made in “What Are the Facts?” to help you share information without putting unnecessary stumbling blocks into the conversation.
Read or Download a Printable Version here.
Featured Resource: "What Do You Mean?" (Sept. 2016)
In “What Do You Mean?” (Sept. 2016), Rebecca Haschke described in word-for-word detail how the success of a conversation hinged on one clarification question — a clarification question you can easily learn to use yourself! Both this one question and Rebecca’s presentation of the Equal Rights Argument throughout the conversation will help prepare you for starting your own conversation using JFA’s “MIA” exhibit panel (below)!
Read online or get a copy by mail (JFA Office: 316-683-6426).
Note: This post is the "Prepare for Conversations" portion of JFA's March 2017 Resource Bulletin. Click here to see all of JFA's Resource Bulletins.